Wednesday, December 19, 2007


Hello.I am Ronald McDonald.To most people,I am the well loved clown that happily imparts the glory of the fun time experience of eating at the world's largest fast food restaurant,my home,my beloved,McDonald's.But when you serve over 54 million people around the world each and every day like we do at Micky D's,I feel it is not just the fun that brings you to my place,but the LOVE.

And not just the love for a great dinning experience;I'm talking a shared love.You love eating at McDonald's and 'WE' love having you.Whether you are enjoying getting your daily morning cup of Arabica coffee at our quick service drive-thru'or taking your grandchildren as a special treat to one of our many indoor/outdoor playground facilities,just knowing that we are bringing a smile to your face,puts one on ours.

We're Loving It.

During this holiday season,we at McDonald's thought of yet another way of putting another happy smile upon your busy faces.We thought that while you were enjoying your cheeseburger or a healthy and delicious fruit salad;you would like to hear a nice Christmas story.

You don't have to even be Christian to enjoy this story of love.I'm talking to you Japan.The story can be used as a metaphor for old fashioned values finding their place in this modern new fangled world.

"Merii Kurisumasu."

* *** *

Do You Want Cream With That?

"OOOOOOOOOOOOooooood morning, Peaksville!It's five am.Time for your 'P-98; news...."

So begins Sam Everly's Tuesday morning.He pushes the 'off' button on his 'GE' dual alarm clock/cd player,and swings his feet out of bed.

So begins Sam Everly's every morning.Always waking to the 'P-98' news sign on-never the news.Always swinging his feet out of bed.Always raising zombie like to the bathroom and then downstairs to waste away the first half hour or so of his morning doodling on the computer.

Check his e-mails,read the funnies.He has to have his funnies.More than once does he sit in front of his E-Machine patiently waiting for it to reboot back to life so that he can get onto to his,Go Comics,or his two secret weapons, and

Sam doesn't live in Seattle,nor Washington.Sam lives in Peaksville,Ohio.But The Times carries today's 'Crankshaft',and thePost-Intelligencer carries today's 'Funky Winkerbean'.

They are two of the many main strips Sam has to have.'Moderately Confused','Frog Applause','Retail','The Meaning Of Lila'.He has to have them all.

'ZZZZZZZZ'Snoring.Bridget must have slept the night on the couch.It's funny,he didn't notice that she wasn't in bed.She must have had another migraine-or worse-another cluster.These always make her sleep downstairs.Millie,the eight year old cocker spaniel is sleeping soundly beside Bridget,Sam supposes.

Thank God for 'Imitrex'.It is a wonder drug.

Back to typing,Sam finishes his funnies and starts reading the few blogs that he has become addicted to reading.These bloggers are close internet friends.He comments on their thoughts whether political,poetical,life expanding or life experiencing.Sam likes expanding on their ideas or complimenting them on their great knowledge or wisdom or passions or love.

This morning two are brand new:"Love your thoughts on the President.They are right on!"He writes on one,"Love Tattoos,"He begins on another,"The only reason I don't have any myself is because I can't think of anything that I would want permanently on my body."Satisfied with his wit,Sam looks at his Timex Expedition Indiglo watch.The turquoise brilliance splashes in his eyes:'Time to go.'

Sam is already in his t-shirt and underwear.He has set his pants and work shirt on the ottoman next to the dining room table-across the way from the computer.Why the ottoman is next to the only used for homework table and not next to the love seat in the living room,Sam will never know. He doesn't make these decisions,he just accepts them.

Refreshed by his internet,it is only now that he is away from it that Sam realizes he needs coffee.The coffee in the pot is old.The remains of last evening's Folger's French Roast.Sam doesn't mind.He pours it into his giant travel mug,and contemplates it a moment.Not enough.

Not enough caffeine.

Sam reaches past the toaster and grabs the three quarters full jar of 'Great Value' 100% Arabica Instant Coffee'.Grabbing a clean looking dirty spoon from the sink he heaps in two large teaspoons of the instant and mixes it up with the Folger's in his travel mug.

He nukes it in the Emerson microwave for two minutes while he puts on his shoes and socks and brushes his teeth.'Ding!Sam grabs the steaming cup and forgoing milk,pops closed the lid.

Quickly,Sam dons his fitted Cleveland Indians cap,grabs his work stuff,the Focus keys and with all that-plus his coffee mug-out the door he goes.

Sam hops into his 2000 silver Ford Focus.He sets his work stuff on the passenger seat and his coffee into the cup holder.He starts the car.It rumbles to life.The muffler-or something-is overly loud and shakes the car as it idles.

It is slightly chilly.Sam turns the handle of the heater switch to defrost and then the fan up to high.The air comes out cold,so Sam grabs for a sip of his coffee.Immediately,it seems as if someone is twisting his left eye socket.He tilts his neck-left,his teeth chattering.The words coming out of his mouth quick and short,sounding like Alvin and The Chipmunks singing,"Ooow,Eee,Aaah,Ah Aah."

Slowly ,Sam re-straightens his head,and sets his coffee into the holder,tenderly as if it were nitroglycerin.

Sam has to drive from Peaksville to Helen,Ohio today.He will be working in a factory that he has never been to before.The place is called 'Effenpea'.They make some kind of auto part.All that Sam knows is from 'MapQuest'.It is over an hour and fifteen minutes away.

As he pulls out of the driveway,he mumbles that it is a long way to go for a $10.00 an hour job without benefits.Especially since he doesn't get paid travel or gas.

He drives through downtown Peaksville,past the statue of the human head coming out of the jack-in-the-box,past Rommel's newsstand,and into the 'Speedway'.

$3.20 for a gallon of gas!And it takes him over ten gallons to fill up.There goes three hours of today's pay.Suddenly,Sam needs a pick me up.He goes inside and buys himself a Snickers with Almonds.Back on the highway.

Slowly,all along Rt 47,Sam slips his atomic bred coffee-grimacing like he has just pounded down a double shot of Canadian Mist every time he does so.He turns on 'P-98',and listens to it's local version of bland rock(Don't want to offend anyone).A McDonald's ad comes on for a new'special' tangy sauce for the 'Breakfast Mac' sandwich.Only a buck!

Sam loves the 'Breakfast Mac'.He drools and sighs like Homer Simpson,"OoohOhOh.".How did it take them soo long to come up with the idea of replacing the 'two all beef patties' with 'two pork sausage patties' and serving it up for breakfast?

The sandwich reinvents the jiggle.Sam(and everyone else)likes the commercial where the two kids take turns singing their different versions of it."Two pork sausage patties,special sauce,lettuce,cheese,pickles,onions on a sesame seed bun,"Sam sings to himself."Oh,I hope the new 'special' tangy sauce is just as good as the old 'special' sauce."

Still an hour from Helen,Sam decides that if he has the time,he will stop at Micky D's....Mmmm,a McDonald's coffee,and a Breakfast Mac.Aaah...a Breakfast Mac Meal!!! That's the ticket:-)
The rest of the trip to Helen is uneventful,if long.As he pulls onto I-75,Sam runs out of 'P-98'.He turns to 'WYSO',the Yellowsprings NPR station.They are talking to some professor from Oxford about quantum mechanics.

Finding this subject somewhat interesting,if dry,Sam starts to go off into his own little world.Thanksgiving was last Thursday.He is wondering just how he is going to afford any kind of Christmas at all this year,yet alone,one with the new furniture that Bridget wants to have.O-K,needs.

Christmas isn't about Jesus' is about presents.Or,more exactly,the memory of presents.

There is a small portion in Sam's every day life that always accepts Christ as his savior.Sam wholehearted believes-it is part of his being-that Jesus Christ was born,died,and reborn.He doesn't need Christmas to acknowledge or light this spark.He lives with it.

Sam sees the hustle and bustle of nearly everyone else during the Christmas season-people stressing themselves out to find the right amount of presents-as a way of spreading good cheer.He finds it very Christian for folks to be legitimately putting themselves out by making other people happy.It might be in a cheap artificial way,but to Sam,people giving more then they can afford to give,and doing it at a cost to themselves(be it through stress,overcharged credit card bills,or even just by saying,'Merry Christmas',to a co-worker),very Christian.

And the memories behind this giving stay within a person their whole lives.Most of Sam's personal best memories of Christmas are of the years of him growing up poor,and of one or two presents.But he finds that his best all time favorite recollection is the one after a great Christmas-Eve service.Bridget,Sean,Ryan,Jake and he were exiting the church only to find that it was snowing:hard.How happy his perfectly aged kids were.It was really coming down.Jake actually made snow angels in the middle of the deserted road.

So,it isn't that Sam needs to get the furniture for Bridget.Sam knows there will be fine memories of this year,with or without furniture,because the family is together.But,still,he wishes he could get it for her,anyway.

Sam is amazed that he is already at Exit number 74.He has made good time.He is a half an hour early.He sees the famous golden arches.Sam decides he 'IS' going to have that Breakfast Mac meal.He is even going to sit down inside to enjoy it.

It turns out,that is a wise decision.There is a line at the drive-thru.It is moving steady,but there is no one inside.Sam parks and exists the Focus.

The Afro-American girl that greets him at the counter,is slightly what Sam's mother would call,'big boned',but,still,young and pretty.She gives Sam a big smile,"Welcome to McDonald's.Would you like to try a Breakfast Mac Meal with the new 'Special' tangy sauce?"

Sam is as excited as a dog wagging his tail.He was originally going to get the original Breakfast Mac.But,now,she has made the special tangy sauce sound soo good,"Yes,thank you.That would be great.And,I'll have a large coffee,please."

"Do you want cream with that?"

Can I Have That Supersized?

"Can you 'put' in three creams,please."

There is a bright flickering of light.

The girl says,"We've been having problems with that bulb all morning,"she gives Sam the biggest,brightest smile that he has seen in quite some time."

No wonder,"Sam thinks,"People love McDonald's so much.Their employees smile so much."

With the same grin,if not even wider and giddier,the girl says,"That will be $3.69 Mr.Everly."Sam pays her with a five,and she gives him back his change.Quickly,almost too quickly(before he can even finish putting the dollar bill back into his wallet),she is happily holding up the tray with his Breakfast Mac meal.Raising to her tippy toes,smiling ear to ear,she bursts out ,"Have a great day."

"Thank you,"Sam replies with his own generous smile,"You too."Sam turns away,then stops.He thinks to himself,"How did she know I was Mr.Everly?".He turns to look at her.Startled,as if she is surprised to find that he has turned back to look at her,she freezes.She smiles,rolls her fingers in an embarrassed wave,then shrieks her shoulders,and grasps her hands together.All while still smiling.

Sam's eyes flick left,his eyebrow arches right.He hunches his own shoulders,as if dismissing the whole idea;then finds a place to sit down.He pops the lid off of his coffee,unboxes his sandwich,and with his elbows firmly set on the table,Sam takes a manly size bite.Hmmmmm...heaven.

Chopping away mindlessly,still holding his sandwich up with his resting elbows,Sam suddenly feels as if someone is watching him.

And everyone is.Quite contently.Leaning forward off their seats contently.Sam takes a chew.Stops.Looks around at everyone looking around 'at' him.Takes a couple more chews.Watches.Swollows.

The pressure of their combined stares is unnerving.Still chewing,Sam gives a nervous grin and a thumbs up.

Thunderous applause.People start walking towards him.A little girl says to her someone,"I knew he'd do it."

"Hello,Mr Everly.My name is George Campbell,"says an elderly gentleman wearing a new John Deere Hat,and offering Sam his weathered old hand,"This is my wife,Tillie.We think you are so funny."

"I'm Hillary,this is my daughter,Amy."

Hey,what's up dog?No,don't get up."

"Blah,Ba baa Blah Blah blah,"The rush is frightening to Sam.Even the girl behind the counter is coming over:complete with paper and pen in hand.This is too much.He goes to stand and bumps the table.His coffee goes over and the hot fluid rushes over the table top and on to Sam's lap/crotch.

It burns.But he is crowded in.He can't move.He doesn't want to scream.So,Sam rolls his fingers on the table,grimaces,crosses his legs and fidgets in his seat as the people-jaws dropped-silently watch as the to the last drop spills into his lap.

Sam gulps.

A pretty,thirty something profession woman holds out a single solitary McDonald's napkin.

"Thanks,"says Sam.


A single voice from the back of the crowd-perhaps a fourteen year old boy-breaks the hold on the crowd,"This is soo awesome,"Sam hears some electronic beeping,"I can't wait to put this on 'You Tube'."

Suddenly,like a flock of birds startled,the crowd starts yammering back to life.There is laughing;concern for his wetness.Someone hands him a towel.To Sam,this is all confusing.

"Please,people,"says someone whom Sam can only assume be the manager,"Mr.Every is a paying customer.Please let him eat in peace,"he lifts up Sam's coffee cup and pours Sam another cup of coffee.He whispers in Sam's ear,"Sir,do you want me to get rid of this crowd,or do you want to sign autographs...or something else of your choosing?"

Sam looks at the manager's Badge.It says,'Manager:Paul Whelby'.He looks in Paul's eyes.There is an honest conviction to do the right thing in them.The right thing.Hell.What would be the right thing here?

"Paul,"Sam says loudly,"Since I'm already on my second cup of your excellent McDonald's coffee,would you mind if I signed some autographs?Here,whose got a pen?"

"Oh,we loved you in 'McEverafter III' when you were hanging from the bridge."

"When you gave the thumbs up in 'One'- that is still funny."

"Can you sign that,'To Mary'?"

Sam is having a fun,but busy time.He doesn't understand any of it,but he is playing along.He looks at his watch....

..... is not his Timex Indigo.It is a somewhat fancier watch.SOMEWHAT!?!It has jewels,says 'Xero' on it.It looks like it costs a million bucks.WHAT IS HAPPENING!?!

And worst,it says,7:25.Sam is going to be late for work.

Sam is visibly shaken,if only for a second.He signs a last little girl's 'Princess Barbie' school notebook,then stands up and starts to leave.

Pushing his way through the thinning crowd,Sam hurries out the door.He can't see his Focus.In a ever increasing panic,Sam turns back to see if he has somehow come out the wrong door.No.Sam is sure he parked on this side.

Sam feels for his keys.Aah,just press the horn button.Whoop.Whoop.Whoop.The lights to a red,shiny new Cadillac CTS flash on and off.Sam looks left.Sam looks right.In a full fledged panic,Sam gets to the CTS-stops to admire it-then pulls the door to get in.
Normally Sam would not think about getting into someone else's vehicle.Heck,he wouldn't even think about touching a car as nice as this CTS.But normally had disappeared with the watch.

Somehow,his brain could construe that it was possible for him be mistaken for some Tv or movie star.Even one from a Tv show or movie that he has never even heard of[Yet,when he later comes thinks of strange..."I get 'Entertainment Weekly'!How could I NOT have heard of 'McHappily Everafter III'?"].But it is this Xero wristwatch that has snapped his brain into panic.A Timex Expedition with Indiglo does not just magically happen to be replaced by another more expensive timepiece.Let alone a very nice one by a brandname he has never heard of before.

The CTS is opulent.If it wasn't for the key Sam wouldn't even know where to start.Buttons and whistles,a giant moon roof.The interior is completely clean except for a I-Pod setting in the middle and a manila folder with a post tab stuck on front lying on the front passenger seat.The tab has Effenpea's address and vague directions scribbled on it."Well,I already know the way,"Sam presumes.

Sam finds reverse and backs the elegant sexy red Cadillac CTS out of the parking space.He finds that he has given the car slightly too much gas.It scoots backwards quicker and with more control then he anticipates.This only adds to Sam's sense of panic.He shoves the CTS into drive-again giving it too much gas,and whips through the parking lot.

Finally,he squeals left out of the McDonald's parking lot and starts up on Rt.41 over I-75 towards what he hopes is Effenpea.
As Tight As Scrooge McDuck

Sam pulls the CTS onto Experiment Farm Road #3.Down the way he see Effenpea.

If as his life wasn't going downhill fast enough,stealing this car has made it all bad.McDonald's and the car.

The power and comfort of the Cadillac exuberates him.Sam feels like he is losing it.Sam feels like he has never been so in tune in all of his life.Sam feels both,and neither.He can't decide.

"They are my car keys!This is my car!"It is crazy,but he figures no other way around it."Well,someone could have put them into his pocket.Yeah,during the craziness at McDonald's.It is possible.


"Crap.Crap.Crap.Crap.Crap." Still,Sam drives forward.What else can he do?He starts thinking of jail.Sam starts thinking how he loves the cherry red Cadillac CTS.He zooms it towards the gate.Yes,he is crazy,but how he loves this CTS.

Sam hardly feels the push of the CTS' 304 horses as he races down to Effanpea.60mph!Geez!It feels like 30.He eases up just as he pulls up to the guard gate.

A elderly man with a full head of combed back silver hair greets him from the shack's window.He is holding a clipboard in his hand."Mornin',"the man says,"Wow,nice car.Hey!You're Sam Everly.I never laughed so hard as when you were hanging on from under the bridge in McEverafter III'.Can I have your autograph?"He hands Sam the clipboard,"Write,'To Russia,with Love."

This clinches it.Sam is certified insane,"I'm not James Bond,Sir."

"That's my name-Russia.Russia Albean.You know,I must have entered my name in the 'Be A Character' contest 'thousand times.I get a large coffee every mornin'.I knew I didn't have a chance.But it sure would have been fun being in one o' your 'Mc Happy' movies."

Sam signs the clipboard and smiles a legitimate happy grin,"You know,Russia,You have made my day.Thank you."

'No problem,Mr.Everly.Thanks,"Russia states shaking the clipboard in recognition,"My wife told me you'd be cool.You turn right right here and just follow the arrows.You'll see them at the end.Have a very nice day."

"Thanks,"Sam smiles as he accelerates the CTS away.How easily he feels normal again.How easily he decides to just accept and go with it.

Sam follows the arrows.Far on the otherside,close to the warehouse building he sees trucks and vans and tents set up.Must be the place.
Sam quickly goes to the farthest corner of the parking lot-to 'visitor's parking'-and quickly exits(what he now calls)the sharpest vehicle in the world.Of course,he wanders towards where the truck trailers and tents are set up.

There is a general hustle and bustle near this area.An outdoor breakfast buffet,crews assembling,etc.He steps behind a man carrying a clipboard,wearing a 'Moderately confused' ball cap."What's up?"The man turns,"Sam!Sam!it's about time you showed up."

"Wearing the pants already,I see,"the man says looking at Sam's stained drawers,"But really,"the man continues,taking off Sam's expensive watch,"If you'd let wardrobe do their job we wouldn't have a faux pas like this."The man has a microphone on his shoulder like policemen wear.He reaches up to it,"Gladys,he's here,bring the Timex Expedition,will ya?"

"Not again,"comes the reply.

"Look,Sam,I know you're on your way to Oprah.These are just 'dubbed'shots.No dialogue.We'll go inside with Zooey,get the spot welding shots,and then the repelling off the roof.No more then an hour.O-K,maybe two.Tops."

Sam is ushered into Effenpea.Once inside he meets with talented and beautiful Zooey Dechanel,"Hi Sam",she says.Zooey is wearing an Effenpea uniform,unlike Sam who is wearing a parts auditor shirt(the same one he had on this morning)and Levi 505 jeans."Here,"she says handing him a small object,"How do you like my new I-Phone III.Look,it gets Google Express.Wait-'Google me at Effenpea,please."

The phone comes to life,and on the screen projects...probably from a nearby security camera,a fuzzy black and white live picture of the two of them,"Wave,"Zooey says smiling and waving.

Zooey reaches in under her workshirt and pulls out a red model just like her silver one,"As promised,here's one for you.They're calling them-unoffically- the,'I-3CPO'.Aren't they cool?Voice command your car."

"It's not a car.It's a Cadillac CTS."

"Just voice command it."

"Umm,O-K.Google me my car,Please."the screen shows six different 'now' images of the CTS.All but one from surveillance cameras.One,possibly a satellite.

"No,silly,"Zooey says,pushing I-3CPO buttons,"COMMAND' your car!Don't Google it.'COMMAND' it."

"CTS,start your engine."Immediately,there comes a reply out of the phone,sounding just like Zooey(Sam glances and smiles at her),"Command code voice recognition accepted,"Sam hears the vehicle's varoom,"Engine started."

"You can not believe the amount of money I'm getting for letting my voice be used just as an option."

Zooey smiles broadly,"Cool,huh?"

Sam is smiling into his new I-Phone.He can hear the CTS's engine purring.Half the screen is giving the car's stats.The bottom is showing the car from a half dozen different angles.On a hunch,sam goes,"CTS off,Please."

"Zooey's voice says,"CTS ignition off."
"Now,here's another cool feature:'Bill,call Sam Everly'."

"Can do,"says Zooey's phone,sounding exactly like Bill Clinton.Sam's phone comes to life,chirping like something out of Star Trek,"Hello,says Sam punching no buttons.

The phone's humongous screen flashes on,showing Zooey in real time streaming video.It's a picture phone.It like something out of Dick Tracy,"But 'thissss' is the amazing part."

Sam looks over at Zooey.She is holding her phone with both hands,swishing back and forth up and down all around her in the air.But the picture on Sam's screen remains clear and stationary as she does it,"It's called 'stationary 3-D imaging'. Isn't it great?"

Sam is somewhat overwhelmed by this phone,"Was that Bill Clinton's voice?"

"Yeah,"states Zooey as she shows him her screen,"There are all sort of different modes and voice choices."

He looks at the screen,he sees at least three different modes,'Kit/Kat'{'Kat' highlighted};'HAL' and 'Star Trek Computer'.She quickly turns to another screen.It lists voice choices.Her's is highlighted on ;'Bill Clinton',but Sam sees 'Woody Allen';'Lauren Bacall';Robin Meades','Pearl Baily'...

"Excuse me,but you are not allowed to have cell phones in this building,"Sam looks up.Why it's Jim Loinhart and Tom White,two of the guys he works with.

"Oh,"Zooey quickly spouts,"They're just props,"Zooey waves her phone.

"Well,ah,they asked us to come get you,"says Jim.

"And,and it's ,it's an honor to meet you both,"Stammers out Tom offering his hand.

As they shake and start walking,Zooey whispers close into Sam's ear,"These phones are as tight as Scrooge McDuck.I'll have my CTS in Blue Chip,please"
Finding Your Hap Hap Happy Place

Sam is in need of finding what he calls his,'Hap hap happy place'.The world is spinning too fast,and he doesn't know how to stop it.

Normally,Sam thinks,he would have rejoiced in the ordinariness of seeing his two companions,but somehow in this toppsie turvie world of talking telephones,crazy cool CTS's and Zooey Dechanel,their appearance is more discomforting then reassuring.

Sam wants to think that he would have congratulated them,hugged their simple existence.Instead,he is annoyed by them merely interrupting him and Zooey.And worst yet,he is thrilled that they both feel they have to nervously greet him.

It makes him feel both giddy and guilty.

Effenpea is a big,clean friendly factory.They quickly arrive at what Tom calls,the 'spot welding' machines.The man with the 'Moderately Confused' baseball cap is there,hussing and fussing around lights,cameras,etc.

"Sam!Zooey!Good!Good!Good!Look,we're going to take a time lapse montage of you both spot welding thirty or forty pieces.It will all roll together.We might not even use it.But this is basically why we are here.

"This is Stella Freeman,"the man in the ballcap states,pointing to a lady with deep brown eyes and whom even under her bulky welder's uniform,portrays a husky,yet very feminine looking figure.

"Hi,"says Stella,shaking both Zooey and Sam's hands,"Zooey,"she says while others finish putting protective welding gear on both Zooey and Sam,"Zooey,you will be using this machine."

Stella grabs a long aluminum piece of something,"You grab a piece from this box.Now,holding it as far away as possible from the machine,you put the end you're going to weld here at this spot.Then,like so,you push the floor button down with your foot,and voila,the piece is welded.Here,you try."

Tentatively,Zooey goes to the machine.It looks eerily similar to a drill press.When Zooey presses the botton,the drill looking top comes down against the part she is holding,and sparks fly.

"Excellent,"giggles the 'Moderately Confused' man.But Zooey is startled and almost drops the piece.

"You will get that,"says Stella,"That is why you hold it so far away.

'Now,you,Sam,will grab your somewhat shorter piece from this box,then do the same basic steps on this machine."Stella holds the part at the far tip.As the spot weld goes down,mucho sparks go flying."Now,be careful to hold this as far away as possible.This mother can really spark."

Sam does it once for practice.No sparks fly.Easy enough.

After some mumbo jumbo,and a few more practices,the shot is ready.Moderately Confused yells action,and Sam and Zooey are spot welding for the cameras.Soon,Sam realizes that Zooey is racing him...and winning.Sam speeds it up.Still,Ms. Dechanel is winning.Sam notices that if he holds the piece closer,he gains speed.Closer and closer to the wrong end he keeps grabbing piece after piece.

He hears someone yelling,or is it cheering?

He is suddenly tied and close to....

... A gaggle of sparks explode off his machine.Some violently land on his glove and instantly burn through it.Sam feels the pain immediately against his right index finger,"Mother,father,son and daughter,"he screams,waving his hand like he has a booger on it that refuses come off,"God bless America,Russia,and China,"Sam yells,now going around in circles,high stepping it and still waving his hand in the air.

The place is a burst in laughter.Only Stella,who rushes to his aid,seems alarmed,"Let me see,"she says taking off his glove..."Hmmm,that is a nasty burn.I told you not to hold it so close.Didn't you hear me yelling at you?"

Looking sad,puppy dogged faced,Sam replies,"I thought you were cheering."

Before Stella can reply,the mod man comes over wiping a tear from his eye,still giggling,"Ha-ha,Sam,ha-ha,you are the master,my friend,"he takes his glasses off and rubs his palm against his eye,"I haven't laughed so hard in a looong time.Wait,you're really hurt?!?

"I'm still keeping it.In fact.That's all I need from you.We'll have your double rappel with Zooey and we'll mix it in later."He slaps Sam on the back,"That was masterful.Even in pain I get the most from you.That scene alone will bring in millions.You,my friend,are a freakin' genius."

Later,still smiling a very happy giggly grin,Zooey is talking to Sam as he is getting his finger bandaged,"You just did that to play with your new toy.And I won,you know.I always win.I am submit to no man."She is smiling,flexing her arm muscle,but Sam believes her.

Your I-C3PO is in Kat mode.That is the female version of the Kit mode.You know,the Knight Rider car.So,it answers to Kat...not Zooey.And you just plug it into where you'd plug in your I-Pod.It's already Incorporated into it's systems.You're already to go,"Zooey kisses him on the cheek,"Thanks for my Blue Chip CTS.They're delivering it tomorrow,you know.See ya later,lucky dog."

"Yeah,lucky dog,"Sam quips after he is alone walking to his CTS.He is so overwhelmed that when he holds out his fingers they are shaking."Maybe,if I go back to the McDonald's,it'll all go away...come back to the way it was."
Rapping With Ronald

Sam plugs I-C3PO into the I-Pod jack and starts the most excellent CTS.Again,Sam backs out just a tad too quickly.It will take him a while to adjust to such power and might in an automobile.

Sam zooms out of the Effenpea parking lot,waving to the guard,Russia Albean,as he goes.As soon as Sam exits the lot,he decides to try the new technology,"Zooey,call 'Home'."


He tries again,"Zooey,call'Home'."

Nothing.What is wrong?

Deciding to give it one more shot,Sam orders,"Darn it,Zooey,call 'Home'!"

A middle screen pops up,brightly lit.An exasperated sigh escapes from the Bose sound system,"Hmpf!Sam,my name is Kat.If you would like me to read from the 'S.A.I.D.' manual,and I quote,"It is only manatory for 'S.A.I.D.' unit to answer to 'S.A.I.D.' name.'S.A.I.D.' unit may,at it's option,answer to voice actor's name.Do you get that,Sam?"

"Huh?Is that you,Zooey?"

Exasperated voice,again,"'S.A.I.D.' unit..."

"O-K.O-K.O-K.Stop.Kat,that's what you want to be called,Kat,right?Are you...are you..real?"

"Sam,I am a 'Simulated Artificial Intelligence Device.I am not really A.I.,but I am programed to simulate artificial Intelligence.For instance,if you take the same,longer,way home more than three times,I am programed to stop asking you if you prefer a shorter route.I am not much more than a jazzed up video game[then mumbling] at least that's what the dumb dork designers want me to tell you".

"Thank you,Kat.That's more information than I wanted or needed.Kat,please,dial 'Home'."

Sam hears the phone ringing,"Hello?This is the Everly's residence."

"Bridget.It is sooo good to hear your voice.How are you feeling?"

"Fine,Hon.That Maxalt works wonders.You're still not at work?"

"Oh,you can not believe the day I have been having."Sam is so happy that Bridget is still Bridget.Oh,but why did she use Maxalt for her migraine instead of Imitrex?No,matter,calm was back into his life.Bridget was still Bridget.That was real enough to hold on to.

"Sam,"begins Bridget,"Your stunt at the McDonald's is already on 'You Tube'.It is absolutely hilarious.But,Sam,didn't you promise me no more Paparazzi?Don't you ever get tired of being stalked by those maniacs?It's only a matter of time before they know where you're at,now."

"Kat,Hang up."Before Bridget can get more than,'Whose Kat?' out of her lips,the phone is dead."That was rude,Sam."

"Shut up."

"Don't tell me to..."

"Shut UP!"Silence.Sam is back to shaking.They got to Bridget,too.He can see the Golden Arches.He knows the way these things work.Just walk back into McDonald's and 'Poof!' he'll be back to normal.

"I'm sorry,Kat,"he apologizes just as he is pulling into the Micky D's,"I didn't mean to be rude."

"It's all right.I'm just 'simulated intelligence',anyway."

Sam gets out of the CTS as the phone starts to ring.

Stealthily Sam sneaks into the front door of the McDonald's he has only entered one time before.Seeing a newspaper in the 'free to read' rack,he grabs one and holds it up covering his face.

Sam notices the normal Micky D's activities:people in line waiting to order,families chowing down and drinking shakes,photographer's turning to look at him....photographers turning to look at him!


He is next to a door that is held open only by the end of a 'wet floor-do not enter' sign.Sam pushes through it.He hears the door lock shut behind him.He looks to see if he has been spotted.Amazingly,the photographer turns to order.He has been saved.

Sam walks over to the bench with the Ronald McDonald statue sitting on it.He will sit behind the statue,using it for cover.Sam opens up the paper,quickly turning to the funnies.Aaah!Eureka!Hey!There is 'Frog Applause'.A calm joy overcomes him.If 'Frog Applause' is in the paper,all is well...well,not well,but...

"I know what you mean,a good 'Frog Applause' can make even the quirkiest situation seem normal by comparison."

Sam starts shaking the paper.He knows...he doesn't even have to look,he knows that the Ronald McDonald statue sitting next to him has come to life.

"Hiya,Sam,"says Ronald,looking straight ahead,"They're looking for you,you know."

Sam turns to look.He can't help himself.This is RONALD McDONALD.Not just any Ronald McDonald,either,but the all time classic of classic Ronalds.This Ronald is Squire Fridell:the ultimate R.M.Squire Fridell!Also,known as the Toyota man!{Hiya Squire!}

" 'Frog Applause' is just a great strip,don't you think,Sam?It's like we have another 'Far Side' back in the paper.It's just a joy to read.It makes me smile."

Sam is very puzzled.Of course Sam likes 'Frog Applause'.He even gets it three quarters of the time,but is that why Ronald McDonald has come to tell him he likes,'Frog Applause'?

Ronald continues,"Smiling children.We need more smiling children.Don't you think,Sam?Wouldn't more smiling children be nice?You can't have enough smiling children."

"Yes,yes,yes,Ronald,I agree..."says a very puzzled Sam,"The more smiling children,the better."

"Thank you,Sam,You've been a big help.A real big help.I think if you don't want to get caught,you better climb the fence and get going.They know you're here.I'll hold them off.Watch out for the spears on top.Don't try this at home."

Sam turns to the door.'CLICK',it opens with photographers snapping away.He starts climbing the fence,avoiding the spears the best he can.'RIP'.There goes his inseam.He doesn't care.He is escaping.He looks back.The Paparazzi are acting like the Keystone Kops tripping all over themselves....did one of them trip over Ronald's foot?

Sam gets to the CTS.The door is locked,"Kat,open the door.Kat!Please."

"Well[click],since you did apologize earlier.
Life In The McFast Lane

The escape proves easy enough.The acceleration and power of the CTS is such that Sam is long gone before the Keystone Paparazzi can pilfer there own vehicles.

Sam just wants to get home.A big map screen pops up and Kat is instructing him to turn right onto I-75.Soon,they are zooming along travelling north.Opening the extra large moon roof,smiling Sam says,"Kat,how about some rock jams?"

"Opening Pandora's Box to 'Rock Jams'."

'The Black Keys' ,'10 am Automatic'["What about the night makes you change/From sweet to deranged? ..."] starts blaring out the surround sound speakers at cracking volume.[What about my voice Tells you who Who's been wrong to you?]

As Sam weaves in and out of traffic,other terrific songs from,Wilco (Kidsmoke)and Neil Young('Ordinary People') rock out.Zooom!

"Exit right onto Rt.47,Sam,"suggests Kat as the map screen lites the way.Sam Pushes the speedy,vibrant Caddy up the exit ramp.When Sam gets to the stop light,he realizes something is wrong.

Coming off Rt.47,there are too many white Tv type trucks with large antennae and satellite dishes circling the traffic light.Through the open roof Sam can hear not one,but two helicopters.

Stating the obvious,Kat says,"They're on to us,Sam.Turn right and make a run for it,"Sam presses the pedal to the metal.Led Zeppelin's 'Rock and Roll' comes on the hi-fi.

Taking the CTS as fast as the law will safely allow,Sam rockets through the the streets.He safely passes through a stale yellow.A cop is at the intersection,so the paparazzi jerks have got to stop.Sam is home free.

Suddenly,just as he is about to cross a bridge over the Yahoo River,a helicopter swoops low on the other side of the bridge.The light behind Sam has turned green.He is trapped.

Sam slams on the brakes and turns the CTS sideways on the middle of the bridge.He remembers the crush of people earlier in the morning,and a panic attack swells up inside of him.Without really thinking,he opens the door ajar,"If you are leaving,"states Kat,"You need to take me with you."

"How can I take the whole car?"Sam snaps back.

"The I-C3PO,silly."Sam grabs the unit,"Whoa,not so ruff,"and without a plan,exits the car.

The noise from the helicopter come in waves.News reporters are starting to push in on him.As they ask questions,"I'm Robyn Wu..[helicopter noise].N.D. news...Sam,what brings you[helicopter noise]

Sam is back against the railing of the bridge,now,being pressed on all sides.He looks down.Forty feet below is the very cold and deep looking Yahoo river.Just under the railing is an I beam.Sam looks to the helicopter-it's blades stopping-to just beyond the crowd.If he can surprise them by going quickly over the rail.He can walk it;get past the whirlly bird,and then,hopefully be able to jump back into the classically lined Cadillac CTS.

Quickly,he places the I C3PO into his shirt pocket,and hikes himself over the rail.Crikey!Hanging from the rail with both hands he sees that the beam is virtually unwalkable,and farther away then it looks!Sam swings his body a couple of times trying beyond hope to get to it.

Suddenly,Sam feels his fingers staring to slip,bit by bit.


Grabbing for the now,non existent railing,Sam yells,"But this isn't supposed to happen until 'McHappily Everafter III' !"

Tuesday, December 18, 2007

McHappily Everafter

Sam sits back in his chair.Both of his elbows are still leaning on the table,both hands are still grabbing on to the once bitten out of 'Breakfast Mac' with the new 'tangy sauce'.A smile come to Sam's face,"WoW!"he says,"That is tangy!"

* FINI *

Hello,Ronald McDonald here,again.Yep,it was all a daydream.But,you have to admit that 'that' has to be a pretty tangy sauce.Why don't you try a new 'Breakfast Mac with Tangy Sauce Sandwich',or a 'Breakfast Mac with Tangy Sauce Value Meal' for yourself,and see what adventures 'you' can get into.While you'may' not get into such crazy and exciting adventures as Sam Everly,I'm betting the 'New Breakfast Mac with Tangy Sauce' sandwich will put a very McHappily Everafter smile on your face.Try one today at a McDonald's near you.

And while you are there,enter our initial 'McHappily Everafter Project' Sweepstakes.You may win one of 50 brand new Cadillac CTS's,or you may win one of 1,000 new I-Phone,I-C3Po's.There are tons of other great and exciting prizes as well.You could win a 'GE' clock radio;a 'Xero' watch;one of many great McDonald's food prizes,a chance to be in the next 'McHappily Everafter' movie.Even cash prizes up to $1,000,000.

Best of all,when you win one of these great prizes,you will be contributing to the best part of the 'McHappily Everafter Project'.When you win,we at McDonald's will match the cash value of each and every prize,and give these dollars-in your name-to 'The Bill And Melinda Gates Foundation'.

Why?Because we at McDonald's want to see more children smile.

The 'McHappily Everafter Project',in it's initial stages-is a ten year,half billion dollar project set up by The McDonald's Corporation world wide in conjunction with 'The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation'.It's soul function:Make More Children Smile.

There are many ways to make many more of our children smile.We can help feed and shelter them.Make sure they and their families get needed medical attention and the proper medicines.We can give them safe drinking water.

We can help educate them,teaching them not only 'reading,writing and arithmetic',but also the basic life skills.We can give the children more and better opportunities in things like the arts.The 'McHappily Everafter Project' is so involved in wanting to make more children smile that we are even into little things like more comic strips in today's newspapers ,and more child friendly Tv and radio programs.

All these projects cost money.That is why McDonald's is pledging one 'half billion dollars' to 'The McHappily Everafter Project' in the next ten years.

So,come to McDonald's.You will be be getting some great tasting things to eat and drink,and a chance to win some fantastic prizes.But,best of all,you will be putting another happy smile on another happy child.

That is a goal we should all hope to reach.

We hope that you have enjoyed our initial 'McHappily Everafter' presentation...Hey!If it was all a dream,how did the girl at the counter know Sam's last name was Everly?And will Sam ever be able to get Bridget the new furniture?Oh,well,we'll figure that stuff out by 'McHappily Everafter II'.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays;-)"Merii Kurisumasu."

* Ronald メリークリスマス *

Monday, June 04, 2007

Prologue Number 1:
Somewhat Earlier at the Pearly Gates Of Heaven:

St Peter announces,"Hear yea,here yea,it is now time to judge three of the last non living presidents of The United States Of America.First...Mr......Reagan."


"You are deemed worthy of Heaven.All access is yours,"begins St.Peter,"But Heaven is a big place.God,in his ultimate sense of humour,has decreed that your mode of transportation will be judged by how faithful you have been to your spouse.Mr.....Reagan,how many times have you cheated on your wife?"

"Well...only with Nancy.But I loved her and ended up marrying her.She,well,she was the love of my life."

St.Peter snickers,"Yes,humph,we get that all the time.And did you ever cheat on Nancy?"

"Heavens no,pardon the pun."

"Hmmm,I see.Well,for that you get to traverse Heaven in a 1982 AMC Spirit.Standard shift.You may go.Welcome to Heaven Mr.....President."And with that Ronald Reagan walks through the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

"Next....Yes,Um,"St.Peter clears his throat,"Aaah a Mr....Nixon.


"You are deemed worthy of Heaven.All access is yours.Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,Blah,How many times have you cheated on your wife?"

Nervously,"Oh,what?Never.I would never have cheated on Pat.Oh,Never.She would of had my balls."

St.Peter stares at tricky Dick,"I see....Well for that Mr....President,you get to drive around Heaven in a 1965 Cadillac convertible.Cherry red.It is one sweet ride,Mr... President.Congratulations.Welcome to Heaven."

"Sweet Jesus-Ah no offense-That's my favorite car."And with that Richard Nixon walks into Heaven.

Finally,St.Peter gets to JFK,"You are deemed worthy;all many women?"

"Hun-dreds and hun-dreds.Some-times three at-once.BUt-in my dee-fence..I really really LIKED IT."

"Hmm,It seems you and King David would have a lot to talk about.,"St. Peter shuffles some papers,"Well,I appreciate your honesty..but...the best I can do for you is a 1934 Schwinn bicycle."

And with that-President Kennedy striding through the Pearly Gates of Heaven-we end our first prologue.
Prologue number 2.The Now,In Heaven:

Richard Nixon is cruising along a long straight back road in his 65 cherry red Caddy convertable.The sun is setting-the weather,perfect.The bass is boomin',the car is bouncing,and tricky Dick is singing along to the music,"Fresh out of jail lights hail from a black celebritySo thats the reason why I callAnd maybe you with itFantansies of something can I hit it (Ha Ha)Addicted to the things you doIts still true what I'm saying BooCuz this is All About U Every other city we goEvery other videoIts all about uNo matter where I goI see the same hoe."

Suddenly,off in the right hand ditch in front of him,Mr.Nixon sees the top(or would it be the bottom?)of a bent bicycle wheel spinning in a wobbly sort of way.As he gets closer,he sees a foot sticking up..and even above the music he hears maniacal laughter.

Hurriedly,Richard Nixon pulls to the curb and jumps out to see what is the matter.There,lying and the muddy ditch,scratched up,bleeding,disheveled,bruised,his foot caught on the bike petal,is JFK.He is laughing hilariously.

Quickly,Richard runs to him,and starts helping him up,"Johnny,your bike is wrecked,your bloody and bruised,filthy with mud...what possibly could be soo funny that you are laughing so hysterically?Tell me,Johnny,just what could be so funny?"

"Ay just saw the Pope on roller skates."

"Honestly,"says President Nixon picking up JFK's broken bike and taking it to the trunk of his car,"I don't get your Boston area humour at all."

"Ooow,My back.It is sore.What brings you out this way any way,Richard?"

"I was playing checkers with Clarence,when I get this call from Gabriel that Ronald,you and I are supposed to meet him at the north wing of the Angel's building.It's just good luck me running into you,here.Well..I actually didn't run into you..but you know what I mean."

"Yes,the fates were kind,"said president Kennedy limping into the passenger seat,"What is this about?We don't even have our wings."

"I don't know,"starts Nixon as he puts the car back into drive and begins pulling back onto the highway,"Something he said only we could handle."

The music begins to play again,"No matter where I go I see the same hoe.."

"Wait,turn that up.I like this song,"said Kennedy.

As they drive the straight line road into the sunset,president Nixon says,"Heaven does have the best music."

"Yes,yes it does."

Prologue # Three: Inside the North Wing of the Angel Building:

The angel Gabriel looks just like Andy Warhol.As he walks back in forth in front of the large college like classroom he walks with his hands behind his back.In his right hand he holds a blackboard poker{Though,in fact,the blackboard is green}.He keeps slapping it against his left hand.His wings are a large mostly golden colour.A few feathers are missing,and some are different colours.They make his wings look some what like Indian corn.

Off to one side of him is Don Knotts.Don is standing at attention.He has somewhat smaller,yet perfectly formed golden wings.

Sitting in front of the classroom,in the three center-most chairs,are John F.Kennedy,Richard M. Nixon and Ronald W.Reagan.

Gabriel speaks,"Good day,gentlemen.As you may know,I am the angel Gabriel,this is my first lieutenant,Don.Let's get right to business.There has been a high level of unusual prayer requests on the 'Prayer Net' concerning one of your own.If you will,Mr.Knotts."

A big 72" flatscreen HDTV appears out of the floor.On the screen is a giant cloud nebula.Stars sparkle as voices seem to come out of mean,Don,starts speaking,"NOW,meN,I----Want you to LISTEN to these PRAYERS.They're COMING FRom ALL Over the world."

"Please,God,help this man.""God!The man's a freakin' fool.""JESUS!I can't believe this idiot!""LOrd,Please guide him to do what is best.""OHLord,Oh,Lord,oh Lord Of Mercy."Yeeh Yaaa!Thank you Lord for such a fool."

"Aay Don't understand,"States Kennedy,"Do they like this man...or hate him?"

"I think I get it,"begins Nixon,"These are all very passionate prayers either for-OR-against this man."

"Well,Now here at the Rock we have two rules.Rule number one:obey all rules.Rule number two:no writing on the walls".

The angel Knotts stares at president Reagan and then proceeds,"Now,this is JUST a random sampling.Prayers like this are coming from every where around the globe.What WEEE Have Heeere is a crisis of EPIC perportions.THIS could become the END of All..."

"Thank you,Lieutenant," Gabriel interjects,"-let's not get ahead of ourselves.The man everyone is praying about is President George W.Bush."

"I hate that young whipper snapper,"interupts president Reagan,"He kept stealing all of my cotton candy Jelly Bellies.I knew he'd end up no good."

"Aay am sorry,but I do not know this young man.And what the hell are cotton candy Jelly Bellies?"

"Is there any way that we all can be brough up to date about this situation.The last time I saw George 'W' Bush he kicked me in the shin."

"Aay like him already.Aay like spunky little kids"

"He was twenty one!"

"Gentlemen,Please.Lieutenant,Please start the film."

Popcorn instantly appears on each of the president's laps,"Well,yes.I do like popcorn.Yes...."

Chapter ONE:
begin," starts lieutenant Don Knotts, "With George W. Bush still sucking at the teat."

"My God!He's seventeen years old!"exclaims a startled president Nixon.

"And why is he sucking on George Washington?"questions JFK.

"Sssh,"says Ronald Reagan chopping on popcorn,"I can't hear."

"Mom,I...I don't want ta go ta Yale.I'm..I'm scared."

"Ooh,George,they are all our people-good folk,"She stops stroking his hair and reaches into her apron.She pulls out a silver spoon,"..And you can always have your lucky spoon..."

"Aaww,Ma,"says George,hugging his Mother.

Don pushes the remote,"Let's MOve forward a little bit,HERE.Now,George is joining a SEcret club at Yale called,'Skull and BONES'.They are at a place called,DEER Island...LET'S listen in...

...there is a group of hooded figures sitting around a large wooden dining table inside of an old cabin.Surrounded by these figures are three figures with their hoods down.George is one of them.He is bending and twisting a silver fork in his hands.One of the hooded figures is whispering to another hooded figure,"I'm telling you,he is a complete moron.I had it all fixed up for him to sleep with Annette Funichello and he said he had cheerleader try outs...and look look what he's doing to Hitler's fork"

"I know what you mean...he keeps repeating,'Stay the course,'.What a goof."
"Let's just give him one last chance.Hey!I know,We'll give him that 'Task Of The Three.""Ha!Great one[chuckling].If he completes that one...well,we'll have to let him in..but...if he doesn't..our bylaws say he has to go...agreed?" "Agreed-great work John.'"Well us Kerry's are quite quick on our feet."

John stands up and taps his wine glass,"Hee Haw-Uhm,attention.George,pick choice One,Two or Three."


"George,you chose wisely.You have picked,'The Task Of The Three'.Stand up George.With nothing but the sweater,pants,socks and shoes that you are wearing,you must complete these three tasks by sunrise.First,you must down this fifth of Jack Daniels without stopping.Second,you must find a local Indian woman and make love to her.Third,you must kill a grizzly bear."

As the screen shows George downing the liquor,JFK says,"Theeey must have really hated him.That is the same trick we pulled on Teddy.Except for the grizzly bear part.We told him he had to drive his car off a bridge,instead.He wouldn't do it.We kicked him out.We had a good laugh on that one."

"It's an impossible mission.Come on,what happened.?"

"Ssh,quite.I can't hear."

"Let me just forward this thing a bit,"states Donald,"Aah,here we are."

It is later in the evening.Most of the 'kights' are asleep as morning light is beginning in the bible black pre-dawn sky,"I am really worried,"states John to his friend,"The other two were back ages ago.""I know,"says his comrade,"If it was anyone else but us,we could get in allot of trouble."

Suddenly,the door bursts open.It is George.He is bloody,scrapped to hell and his clothes are ripped to shreds.He is still staggering drunk,"George,George,what has happened to you?"asks John as his fellow 'Skull and boners' wake up.George staggers over to an open bottle of whiskey and downs a couple of slugs...."Now,"he somewhat slurs..."Where ish this Indian woman you wanted me to kill?"

Chapter Two:
"THIS begins AN ex- CEPTional period in young GEOrge's LIFE," continues the lieutenant angel Don Knotts, "He SOOON realized that EVEN amongst the richEST and MOST privileged, when he was SNOOKERED, not only was he richer AND MORE privILEGED.His laissez-faire attitude was a gift from God-And MAKE NOOO MISTAKE,GENTLEMEN-THis waas A Gift from GOD!Young George was NOT HINdered by second guessing himself.HEEE was NOT HINdered by quesTIONING THEE Morality of HIS actions.YOUNG GEORGEKNEW his ASS was covered.HE know HE WAS THE LUCKIEST SON OF A ..."

"Thank you,Don,"interrupts the angel Gabriel,but you are letting your passion s get the best of you...."

"WHat!?!I was GOINg to say Son of a 'CONGRESSMAN'!"

"Yes,of course you were.Now,men,His daddy got him a cushion job flying F-102's in the Texas National Guard."

On the giant Tv screen a video shows a troop transport blowing up in Vietnam,and then another one,"My gad,what the hell is this?Is that Vietnam?I thought we were getting the hell out of there."

President Nixon coughs and shuffles his feet.

Preisdent Reagan asks,"Why are you showing us this war footage?what happened to our other movie?"

"Yes,"goes Kennedy,"Why are you showing these brave young men dying?I thought you were telling us about young George W.Bush."

"I am.I am showing you these senseless deaths because young George wasn't there to save them."

"Yeeeeh Haaaah!"The 72" HDTV shows a giant close up of George in the cockpit of a F-102.He is wearing his flightsuit and helmet with the oxygen mask attached.He is upside down turning rightside up and looking back at his antics,"Yeeh Haw!I never could have done this sober!"

The next image is of a jet flying thunderously close over a women's dorm.On the roof,topless sunbathers are covering themselves up while grabbing for their flying away bikini tops.

"Hot Dog!I hope Jeb's got that on camra."

"Nixon is vivid,"That was inexcusably reckless.Look how close he came to crashing into the men's dormitory!The horror!

"My,those were some big breasted women."

"Well,when I was in The First Motion Picture Unit of The Air Force,it was unnecessary to show those naked woman ."

"GentleMEN,"Lt.Knotts orders,"Eyes forward.The screen goes to two pilots walking back to the hanger from their planes.One is obviously our hero,George Dubya,"I'll never pass the drug screen.I'm tellin' ya,I can't fly these boys sober.They scare the shit outta me.I admit it.I am a hater.I hate daddy's politics,but ...[whispering in close]...daddy's gonna get me stationed down in New Orleans,down in Alabama.Hell,I'm gonna party soo much-I ain't even gonna bother ta show up."

His buddy simply says,"Sweet."

Chapter Three:

"THE NEXT five years ARE a BLUR To our Hero,"Don Knotts says as the 'Kiss' song,'Rock And Roll All Night' starts blaring from the giant 72" HDTV's speakers.Quickly,snapshots of George W.Bush partying flash by.Almost every snapshot shows some sort of debauchery:partying with sheiks,whopping it up at a disco or rocking out with Joe Walsh;drawing a mustache on a sleeping National Guard buddy,or lighting a fart around a campfire with a Bic lighter.From his car window,showing a cop his driver's license.Playing strip poker with five strippers in a varied states of undress-woman's panties on top of his head-smoking a fat Cuban cigar.Glassy eyed and smiling at a Republican campaign headquarters;sleeping on a floor-beer bottles and pizza boxes around him;in a bathroom with Hank Williams Jr.

Suddenly,the music stops and we see Dubya,dressed in an old fashioned football uniform,coming out of a library with a very pretty girl.It is getting dark,and the full moon is partially obscured by clouds.Bush is in an apparent giddy mood,skipping quickly around his pretty girlfriend,"Ya sure ya don't want to go to the Halloween party with me,Laura?"

"It's a disgusting pagan holiday,George."

As they continue walking,George goes on,"Whatta ya want,Laura?Ya want me to lasso the moon for ya?Cuz,I can,ya know."


"I'll just lasso my rope around it and pull it towards ya."

Laura stops and puts her hands on George's chest,"Oh,George,"She sniffs,"George,are you high?"

"Why,no,Laura,not on drugs,anyway.You,you Laura,just looking at you makes me high.Come on,let me buy ya a chocolate soda,"He opens the door to the local hamburger joint.They find a booth and sit down.

Having ordered their food,they are sipping their soda out of the same glass,but with two differnt straws.Laura puts her hands flat over 'W's,"Last night was wonderful,George.You really know how to make a lady feel special."

George takes a packet of artificial sweentener from the sugar jar and rips it open,and starts sniffing it.

George?George?Why are you inhaling the Sweet N' Low?George"

"Why,"chuckles Dubya,"It's Diet Coke.Get it,Diet coke?"

Quickly,Laura kicks the booth's table over into George.The lip falls across 'W's neck,pinning him down.Laura grabs a seriated butter knife and presses it's point firmly into George's pant crotch:Hard.With her shoulder she presses the table ledge harder against her startled and frightened boyfriend's neck,"You listen to me,you son of a jackass,"she snarls at him,"I love you with all of my heart and all of my soul.And what you do when you are away from me is your own business,but if I ever hear of you talking about drugs again,so help I will cut your wiener off and tell your Momma I shoved it down your throat because you sodomized me with it.Do I make myself clear?"

"But,but I never sodom..."

She sticks the knife into him with more force,"DOoo I make myselve Clea?"

"Ya,yes,maam,"gulps George.

Laura pushes the table back to the floor,steadies it,and straightens out the condiments and such,"Why,George,how silly of me.I am soo sorry to have spilled our drink on your lap.I am soo sorry.Here's a napkin."

Somewhat dishevelled,George says,"No,no,Laura,my darlin',it,it was my fault.